I've come to suck your blood.

Great Actor, Great Director, Great Film?


#7 - Vampires - 1998

"Its not like they're a bunch of fuckin' fags hoppin' around in rented formal wear and seducing everybody in sight with cheesy Euro-trash accents, all right?"
-- Jack 'Fuckin' Crow



When 'American Pie' came out, my friend David and I saw the trailer for this film and thought it looked like the greatest film ever (Well I certainly did). One of my favourite Directors and one of my favourite Actors in a film about Vampires? AND James Woods plays a character called Jack Crow! How do you screw that up?

Well you make it largely uneventful and give James Woods nothing to do but look mean for most of the running time.

Woods plays Jack Crow, which in the pantheon of character names is right up there with Deke DaSilva from 'Nighthawks'. He leads a motley crew of 'slayers' as they hunt Vampires in their nests. After one succesful hunt, as the guys are celebrating with some hookers and, somewhat bizarely, the local cop. The Master played by Thomas Ian Griffith, strides in looking like a Marilyn Manson tribute act and makes short work of those involved. Mainly by ripping body parts off and scowling. The only ones left of the whole mess are Woods, a hooker (Played by 'Twin Peaks' Sheryl Lee) and a fat Baldwin brother (Daniel apparantly).

After visiting some priests and thanks to a handy psychic link the Hooker has (As she's one of The Master's victims) they learn that he's in search of a cross that will allow him to finally walk around in the daylight. I imagine this is bad for everyone else on the Planet. The last thing we need is a really angry 'Cure' fan who can also bite the shit out of people.

'Vampires' is a bit of a mess. Apart from a setpeice at the beginning and at the end there's not a lot going on inbetween, other than Woods getting mildy angry at people and more moments of The Master scowling. On that note, why is it that Vampires always look like Vampires? I mean, I get the whole thing with the fangs and looking like Death. You can't really hide that. But more often than not Vampires in the movies dress up like if you were to see them on the street, you'd turn to your friend and say "That guy looks like a Vampire". Then maybe you'll do your best impression of The Count from 'Sesame Street'.

According to IMDB the fims' budget was split by two-thirds right before filming began, and it had to be hastily re-written. There's still some neat ideas here though. It turns out the first Vampire (Yes, The Master) was a former priest that was accidently turned into a bloodsucker thanks to a botched exorcism in the middle ages. In a nice bit of Catholic guilt, they're also the employers of Woods and many other slayers around the World. Actually that's about it for neat ideas, aside from KNB's fantastic practical effects. If there's one thing this film isn't short of its limbs being removed from their bodies. Sometimes a head, sometimes an arm. The Master doesn't discriminate.

So that's it for this film, there is a sequal starring Jon Bon Jovi but he plays the much less cooler sounding Derek Bliss. So I won't be watching.