#5 - Shark Attack 3: Megalodon - 2002
"Torpedoes away motherfucker!"
-- Ben
People wonder how Larry David makes 'Curb Your Enthusiasm'. It's simple really. He comes up with the story, outlines general scenes that he and his cast then improvise. The results are then edited into what we see today. I can't help shake the feeling that this film was made the same way, only by actors who aren't so talented. Oh and there's a giant shark too.
I've not seen the other 2 parts in the 'Shark Attack' saga, but I don't think I'm really missing out on anything. In all I find it doubtful that there's any real overriding theme throughout the films. Other than Sharks REALLY like eating people. But we knew that anyway (For more on this, see the upcoming 'Shark In Venice', sadly not a part of the 'Shark Attack' pantheon of works).
We open on the film in the middle of nowhere, actually with some stock footage of a shark (What appears to be some very old stock footage). There's a company called 'Apex Communications' doing some underwater work on fibre optic cables 5 miles down in the Ocean. On a Radar in the communications room we see something approach. That something turns into more stock footage of a shark and then some poor divers detached head. We skip along 6 months later to Mexico, and a luxurious Beach resort where Ladies man and all round straight guy John Barrowman strolls around like he owns the place. He has the walk of a man that knows he's in a shit film but hey, at least he get's a vacation out of it. Albeit to South Africa (Yes, South Africa doubles for Mexico here). He also has a Mexican sidekick he gets to call "Bitch". Oh that Barrowman, such a hatemonger.
Anyway, Barrowman has his bitch stay in the Boat while he goes Lobster diving and discovers a cable under the water. Said cable has a Shark tooth lodged in it, which he manages to work free. Back at his place (And with a Lobster Supper), he hits up the Internet and takes a picture of the Tooth, asking for help on a message board. There he attracts the attention of a Paleontologist (Played with no skill at all by Jennifer McShane - No, I don't know either) who makes the trip to South A...sorry, Mexico to get some of that Shark action.
It turns out the thing is a Megalodon, and it's been extinct for millions of years. Only what they have on their hands is the Baby. But the Mother is out there...
I don't want to waste too much time on this film other than to say it's a glorious piece of crap. It's really quite as dire as one would expect. Say what you want about the Shark in 'Jaws' but at least they went through the trouble of building the fucking thing. In 'SA3' (I can't even be bothered typing the full name out anymore, but did type this line. Weird) we get a flimsy looking Fin, some stock footage and a chomping head. Still, one thing 'Jaws' didn't have was a Shark that made noise while it ate. And when I say noise I mean if you or I were being particularly obnoxious at the Dinner table one day and decided to eat with a "Nyom Nyom Nyom" sound. Still, if there was one thing 'Jaws' was missing it's comical eating sounds from an obnoxious Shark. No wonder Barrowman couldn't wait to kill it (At one point he goes out just armed with a Pistol) That Barrowman, fucking Shark hater.
For all you 'Torchwood' fans you'll be glad to know his acting hasn't improved over the years. Though I suspect this is the first time he's been asked to kiss a Woman on screen. Of course the master thespian jumps at the task just like those celebrities do at one of those particulary gag worthy eating tasks on 'I'm A Celebrity, Get me out of here!". Ah I can't hate on the man too much though, he's obviously having a blast, and he does have an infectious charm about him. It's as if he's always one moment from cracking up here, he has that weird "I'm trying REALLY hard not to laugh" look on his face for most of the film, even during the so called 'serious' moments. He also improvised the greatest line in film history, which I'll come to in a bit. However, the aforementioned Miss McShane fares a lot worse. Looking like Joey Lauren Adams as built by Playboy, she has a crying scene where the tears are literally pouring OFF her face. Like moments before the Camera was rolling someone threw a bucket of Water over her for a jape and then yelled "Action!". Probably that Barrowman, such a Woman hater.
The film really kicks into gear during the last 20 minutes. Where the Shark has given up on actually eating people and has just started swallowing them whole. An effect done by taking your standard footage of a shark with its mouth open, your footage of an actor flailing around, and just superimpose them together. Cheap and not at all effective. Still, it's hard to hate on a film that seems like it was made as one big tax write off that accidentally got released to the public.
So as promised, via the glory of youtube, I present the greatest line in all of film history...
Guaranteed to make a lady swoon...
Enjoy!
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