#9 - Manos: The Hands Of Fate - 1966"But master, you have six wives. Why can't I have one for myself?"
--Torgo
This is the worst film of all time. I'm sure you've heard it said about many films, some of those films you may actually enjoy and feel hurt by such brutish comments (I, for one, have a soft spot for 'Street Fighter: The Movie'). But rest assured. This is it.
I'm not going to give a rundown of the plot, in case some of you might think it doesn't sound all that bad and become tempted to hunt it down. Fuck it, you've heard my warning so if you do watch this and you're eyes bleed then don't come crying to me (Seek medical help). A family take a wrong turning and end up staying in a house in the middle of nowhere, it's looked after by Torgo who serves 'The Master' (Not the same Norwegian Metal singer we saw in 'Vampires' - A different Master, it seems you don't need much of a qualification to go around calling yourself a Master these days. You just have to look really pale). The Master has many wives, and at the end the family becomes his servants. The father takes the place of Torgo (Who's fate is 'mysteriously' left open, should there be a sequel - There wasn't) and his wife, and somewhat unpleasantly his six year old Daughter, become wives of The Master. The end. They even have the audacity to end it with a question mark.
If you think I'm missing out on some plot elements there I'm not. Really I wish I were. Sure there's some nonsense with the local Police (All 2 of them) and a couple of teenagers who spend literally the whole film making out in the guy's car. Now listen, this film takes place over some hours. It's light when it starts and dark when it ends. If I was with a girl kissing for all that time I'd expect a little something (Other than lockjaw). But instead they sit there literally for fucking hours slurping and going "Hmmm" like they're tasting something they're unsure of.
A man much smarter than I commented that "Every frame of this movie looks like someones last known picture" and they're not wrong. It sums up just how dreary and uneventful this thing is. Ah fuck it, rather than write something semi coherent I'll just run down some 'highlights'. But first I will say, if you ever ever feel the need to watch this film then track down the 'Mystery Science Theatre 3000' version. Only a man and his two talking Robots could make this film even a tiny bit bearable.
- Manos is Spanish for hands. Think about it.
- The camera they used could only record 23 seconds at a time, and without sound. So the film was dubbed in later, by the Director and his Wife. The Actress who played the little girl cried when she heard her voice on film. So there. This film makes Children cry.
- Lighting was nonexistent in this film. So there's a scene where the Police head out to search for the family, only to take about 4 steps before turning back again. Because it was dark.
- The Actor who plays Torgo (Really the only highlight in this film - and I use that term very very loosely) was meant to be a Satyr. He created prosthetic legs which he ended up wearing the wrong way around, leading to his painkiller addiction and the actor killing himself. This film is actually responsible for the Death of another Human being.
- On that note, you never really know he's a Satyr. There's a shot of the Wife gasping when she sees Torgo's legs. But we never fucking see what she's gasping at. So she just comes off as cruel for mocking poor Torgo's farmer like appearance.
- This film contains a 5 minute opening of the family driving, whereupon the credits were supposed to be overlaid. Except they forgot. So the film opens with 5 minutes of people just driving.
Just. Driving.
On a lighter note, at the premiere of this film an old lady smacked the Director (And Writer, and Star), supposedly for making the Girl one of the Masters Wives. I just like to think she was doing it for all of us. God bless you old Lady. God bless you.
*BONUS*
Here's the MST3k version of the film, skip to 16 minutes to skip all the intros etc
Don't do it.
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