#18 - Halloween III: Season of the Witch - 1982
"You don't really know much about Halloween. You thought no further than the strange custom of having your children wear masks and go out begging for candy."
-- Conal Cochran
First, a bit of background on this.
After John Carpenter made (Well wrote) 'Halloween II' and killed off both Michael Myers and Dr Loomis he had the idea of producing a Halloween film each year. They would make the setting on or around Halloween and just keep producing these stories and churn them out to the awaiting masses. It's not a bad idea really, Horror was big business then so it's not hard to see why the studio went with the plan. But alas, it was an experiment that began and ended with this film.
Now, What the fuck just happened?
Well here's a brief snippet. A man books it down the street where he's being chased by an Agent Smith looking gentleman in a car. He manages to fight him off in a confrontation and escapes. An hour later he makes it to a Gas station and collapses. He's taken to a Hospital and is delirious, clutching a Halloween mask and screaming about how "They" are out to get us. Now unless he's a 'Daily Mail' reader I think he means business. He's tended to by none other than Tom 'Thrill me' Atkins but not before he has his face caved in by the Agent Smith looking fella. Said Mr Smith then gets into his car, douses himself in petrol and decides to have a smoke. Suffice to say it's the last we see of him.
There we go, doesn't sound too bad right? A nice little mystery to go with your film, and who doesn't love a little mystery? Atkins decides to investigate (I suspect that's all he knows how to do given that he's only ever played Doctors or Cops, he would be lost if he was cast as a Banker or Fishmonger I'm sure) and sets about banging the crazy man's daughter just for the fun of it.
I could try explaining the rest of this film to you. But in order to explain something you have to understand it. Now I can see all the plot points. I recognize where one scene ends and the next begins, but I just don't see the logic linking it all together. But here goes.
There's a company called Silver Shamrock that are creating Halloween masks. The company is run by Conal Cochran, a white haired Irish gent and all round bad egg. The factory where they make the masks is manned by...Robots. Killer Robots. The robots also excavated a part of Stonehenge and are harnessing it's power. Oh but that isn't all. Inside the Halloween masks are special chips, murderous evil microchips. When the kids wear the masks, a special message plays on the TV and the masks dissolve the wearers head into nothing. Nothing but snakes and insects.
I've made up none of the above.
'Halloween III' is pretty crazy all round. There's not really a reason given for Cochran's intentions. He's just an evil Celt. And you know what? Sometimes that's just enough. I like villans with no clear motivation, none of this "Sit here while I explain everything to you" scenes. Hell even if this film had one of those scenes you could guarantee it wouldn't make a bit of sense.
What shouldn't go unmentioned is a jingle that plays throughout the film. It's set to the tune of 'London Bridge is falling down' and goes a little something like this;
"Happy Happy Halloween, Halloween, Halloween. Happy Happy Halloween, Silver Shamrock!"
The film of course plays this at every single opportunity it gets, which is often enough. The film should come with a health warning because that song sticks with you. It becomes fused with your conscience until you and the song are but one being. Out shopping? You'll suddenly start thinking of it. On the toilet? You'll find yourself humming it. Having sex? You'll ask your partner to shout it at you. Trust me.
Still, I find myself with a pang of sadness watching this film for an era that's long passed us by. There's no way a film like this could be released these days. It's just too crazy, too off centre to work. It would be watered down to something starring a bunch of pretty teens fighting off some CGI Demon unleashed from Stonehenge or some such nonsense. I don't know what you could blame it on, be it a shocking lack of quality control or copious amounts of cocaine. But it's amazing that someone took a look at this script and said "Yep, THIS is the film we want to make!"
Bring back the 80's, for I don't want to live in a world where Tom Atkins is no longer considered a leading man.
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